Thursday, May 17, 2007

What's Your Sex Speed Limit?

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch!

A Miracle
An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same E.R., but all of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Indian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Indian, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Chinese and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50 and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them" replied the Indian, "the Chinese was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Obsessed

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
What Kathy is obsesses of does makes sense, but I would prefer to choose the option of avoiding her!

Annoying People
  1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
  2. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
  3. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
  4. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
  5. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
  6. When people say "Life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
  7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
  8. When you're eating something ands someone asks "Is that nice?" No, it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

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